messy thing

I know that he isn't mine anymore.
I know that he is someonelse now.
But, what can I do?
I can't move on.
I'm stuck on him.
Everytime I have nothing to do, my mind is fulled by him.
I can't move one. Nightmares never go away from me, always greet me every night.
I cry all the time.
I scream everynight.
I can't have a normal life anymore.
Hatred fulled me inside. But I can't deny that I miss him so bad.
Remembering the times I had with him makes me more burden. Bury my self over the pains.
But I can't get him off my mind.
Now, I know how is the feeling of loving someone out of our hand, how is the feeling become the one for sorrow.
Is it a karma? I know I had ignored some people before, but I never did it this way, I never treat others as rude as he did to me.
There is a big hole in my heart and it is so bloody. So hurt. No one can cure this bloody scar.
Poor me. I'm so tortured by this feeling. I never imagine I would get this illness.
My head fulled by why, why, why, and so much more why. I want to get out from this fucking hole. But I can't. . . No matter how hard I try, I can't move on. I really stuck on him.
Do I want him back to me? Do I want to repeat my times with him? Do I have a space for him? Can I open my heart again?

My mom said that I am a zombie now. Emotionless. I wake up in the morning, take bath, have breakfast, go to school, study, etc, but tasteless. I do it just because of the habit. So plain.
I'm sorry, mom. I can't be your cheerful daughter anymore. I can't be your sweet daughter anymore. I'm sorry I can't get closer with anybody else, mom. I'm sorry I can't as strong as before. I'm sorry I have no passion at all anymore. I'm so sorry, mom. .

Dad, if you read these messy words, I hope you get the answer for all of your questions. I'm too coward to talk with you directly. .

I'm sorry mom, dad. I can't be your daughter as 1,5 years ago. .
I'm sorry I always avoid to have a time with both you, I can't have time with anybody, I'm sorry for every "I'm okay" I told both you, I lied to both you. I'm so sorry. .

I don't have any purposes to publis this messy thing, I only need a place to say those without make a sound.
Anybody could help me?